On to a new year, thank the Lord!

Good morning! Looking back, as we are prone to do on the last day of the year, I'm sure we all have things we remember fondly, or things that were difficult, relationships that grew and changed and others that did not. Situations that could have been handled better, others that were smooth and effortless. The point is, we are all always growing, changing, learning - whether we realize it or not. This past year has been a tough one in many ways - my father's heart attack and surgery, his continuing recovery; watching our kids grow and mature beautifully but not always without struggle; the hectic balance of work, service, and life all intermingled; and of course, my journey so far with cancer. We may be eager to say good riddance to this past year and expect 2012 to be 'better'...as though it is the calendar's responsibility! But, we have a God who is not limited by a calendar or time. I find great comfort in that - He sees the big picture, the finished product - and He knows what needs to be accomplished for that to be a reality. Sorry if I'm getting too thoughtful on this entry, but it has been on my mind.  I have had people ask if I'm angry at God for this, or curious 'Why me?'...honestly, I can say no. Why not me? Granted, I am not dealing with a grim prognosis like some are, so it may be easier for me to say that, but this is still not easy and there are still always questions/possibilities/fears that creep up. However, when I remember that HE made me and HE loves me so much more than I can even love myself, then I simply have to trust, that no matter what it looks like to me, this is what HE is finding best in my life right now. Some of this, I know, comes from seeing His hand in my life and that of my family's over and over again. He has proven Himself faithful and true, and ever-present. So, why would He be any different now, just cause I may not like the circumstances?

Is this making any sense? I'm beginning to ramble, so here are my thankful thoughts:

• A fun evening for family last night that afforded a quiet evening for me...much needed.
• The number of friends that I have re-connected with through this - that alone has been a blessing!
• A surprise meal delivered just when needed!
• Lipgloss, eyebrow pencil, cream and another hat from some very dear friends who visited! You knew just what I needed...what a treat!
• Enjoying getting some little projects done from my chair - would never have sat still long enough to do them before.
• Pointsettias - they are beautiful
• Soup - it tastes so good to me when not much does.
• Ice cold water.
• My father still being here.
• My mother's example of service and strength with laughter.

 

Ephesians 3:14-19

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Have a safe and blessed New Year, and eagerly look to know the Lord better in this coming year. Love you all!

Andi



Sleep is unavoidable...

Good morning, and I hope you are ready for another day! I am, but probably won't last long...fatigue is more pronounced this time and I just can't stay awake. My mornings are still my best time, but by yesterday afternoon, I took a nice long nap, dozed all evening, and then slept all night! It's been a while since I did that. And it felt wonderful.

Thankful thoughts:

• Kristen and her friends - they gathered here last night, and I didn't have to do a thing! They were wonderful to have and I loved hearing them laugh, even though I wasn't out there with them.
• Megan and hat shopping - good times!
• Being surprised by meeting niece, Brey at the store who showed us around and helped pick out hats!
• A son who thinks I'm adorable with my head shaved and hats. Made my day. (Forgive me if I'm repeating myself!)
• Heating pads.
• My quiet nook of a room. Thankful for our floorplan that has this little place where I can be quiet and the rest of the family can still carry on...
• Surprising my mom with a simple gift.
• Cranberry-Ruby Red juice. I don't allow myself much juice, but I love this treat!

 I Chronicles 16:8-11

⁸ Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done.

⁹ Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.

¹⁰ Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice.

¹¹ Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

  

Have a blessed day! I really am okay...not without issues, but definitely with a lot of hope and thankfulness - especially for a family who allows me to do what I need to do and a God who never leaves me lonely.

Andi

Hair today, gone tomorrow!

So, the deed is done. Bobby shaved my head yesterday and it is actually a relief!  I had felt like I was waiting for the 'other shoe to drop', and it's done. I have stubble, that will most likely need a lint roller to get it out as it continues to loosen...a friend suggested it! Megan is taking me out to go hat-shopping for another one or two hats to add to my collection.

Doing okay here on day 3 post-round 2.  A little nauseous and will most likely be resting by 1 or 2. That's becoming my routine, but the mornings remain pretty decent. I do get shaky and tired, and some other issues creep up but they are manageable as long as I pace myself. SO thankful for kids who are willing to drive me.  That tends to take a lot of effort for a lot of reasons, and I appreciate their time and companionship.

From a friend who wrote a dear note to me, and the words were perfectly timed...

Jeremiah 17:7-8, 14

⁷"But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him.

⁸They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.”

¹⁴Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise."

Thankful thoughts:

• A quiet evening last night, while family went to Buddy's family...
• Notes from so many...emails, FB, real mail...they mean the world.
• Music! Lifts my spirits!
• Cute hats!
• That I'm not afraid of needles!
• Scarves...I got 3 for Christmas and I love them.
• My kids who think I'm cute with the shaved look and hats - made my night.

Have a great day!
Andi

A decent night's sleep works wonders...

Thank you for your prayers last night. I actually slept fairly well, and woke up with much less of a headache. Meds helped with the jitters and sugars are already working their way down a bit. Same routine as last time with much better sleep.  Granted, I was awake at 4:30, but had pretty much slept through, after dozing off and on all evening. We will see what the day brings!

Thankful thoughts:

• A puppy who seems to sense that I need her calm. She is rarely so in the morning, and right now is just sleeping by my feet. Love it.
• Coffee - still tasting good! But the caffeine works with the steroids so I have to cut down how much I sip. I can do that.  :)
• A sister who is knowledgeable and available.
• Sweet hugs and TLC from Megan and Kristen when I got home. The guys too.
• A good morning so far...I know I will be wiped out later. Time to get a few things done!
• The wisdom of Scritpture - always offers comfort and encouragement.

PSALM 37:23-24

"The steps of the Godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will not fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand."

This verse is from an excerpt in a book I'm reading by a woman who had journeyed through breast cancer. One of the things she learned through her journey was God's attention to detail, even in her mundane life. It reminded me of a silly thing Megan does that shows SHE is already aware of His ever-present self in her day to day. Whenever Megan finds a REALLY good parking spot, especially if it's raining, she sings, "Jesus Loves Me" while pulling in! So dear - and no, she doesn't think He 'hates' her if her spot is lousy! Just a way of recognizing and being thankful for little things.

On that note, be looking for little things in your day where you can say thank you! It's life-changing! And so good for me through these circumstances. Wen we have an attitude of gratitude and not entitlement, there is a softness toward His Holy Spirit that is so much healthier.

Love to you.
Andi

Round 2 - DONE!

This will be a brief one, since I am beat. First night is a long one, but I'm okay. Steroids are not my favorite...nuff said!

Today was pretty much the same as last time, and so thankful for Megan's companionship.  Also, Sharon Wisler was there with her mom (Sharon is my niece, Sara's, mom-in-law) and it was nice to catch up a bit with her. We seem to be on a similar pattern, so maybe we will see them in 2 weeks!

Thankful thoughts:

• Gentle, attentive nurses
• Efficient office staff...not much, if any, waiting around
• Mom's veggie soup...it hit the spot when I got home.
• My sister, Padge...provided dinner that looks yummy. My family will enjoy...I may have to wait, but I have no doubt it will be worth the wait!
• New jammies
• Diet ginger ale
• A family that lets me do what I need to do.
• Insulin - never thought I would say that, but the steroids mess with my blood sugars, big time, so I am thankful for this med that will help me navigate the next weeks.

That's it. I'm done. Pray that I sleep well tonight. Your prayers are precious to me.

 Psalm 139:16-18

¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them!

¹⁸ Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you.

 

I draw comfort in this - that He sees me, He knows and loves me, and He knows the plan He has for me. I would never have dreamt this in a million years, but that's okay. He did.

Love you all.

Andi

Day 14...and it has begun.

A few weeks ago, Bobby posted something on my FB wall that went something like this: "Going bald is not so much about losing hair as it is about gaining face. Soon, you will have a whole head of face!" Made me laugh then and still does, even though the process has begun.  Lost a handful this morning in the shower...not in one spot, just cumulative. I don't know how long I will wait to get it buzzed. Tomorrow is my next chemo treatment and the next few days are pretty crummy in terms of energy, so I may have Bob do it tonight. Just get it done and move on. Not looking forward to it, but it is what it is and no doubt, we will laugh about it.  Hope I have a nice shaped head underneath the little bit of hair I do have!

Yesterday was a great day. The best I have felt in 2 weeks, and I am so thankful!  Still tired, but no nausea or headaches. YAY! The morning was fun and family for dinner was a lovely way to spend the evening, followed by a movie. I think most of us fell asleep! One of the highlights of the morning came from Megan's mouth...a little background is necessary. She loved reading Christian romance novels when she was younger, but stopped because she found herself wanting what was in the books!  The guys were perfect, thoughtful, Godly...if you have read Lori Wick, you know what I mean. She seemed to be setting an absolutely impossible standard for the man she married some day!  That being said, Kristen received several of those books yesterday, at her request, and they will be done within a week! Megan received 2 different Bible studies, also at her request. Kristen said, "I can't wait to read mine." Megan responded with, "Yeah, well. My books make me holy. Yours just leave you wanting."!!! We all just cracked up...she even laughed at herself! We had a lot of moments like that...it has to be one of my favorite parts of the morning...

Psalm 139:7-12

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!

⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.

⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.

¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night,

    ¹² but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you.

 

 

As the reality of my situation continues to sink in, verses like these refocus my thoughts. He is always with me, even at chemo tomorrow. Even when I'm nauseous. Or have a headache...He is LIGHT wherever I am. I pray that I will be a light for Him, no matter how dim at times.

Thankful thoughts:

• Turkey dinners! Yummy...
• Chocolate shot cookies...family favorite
• Still being surprised by my hubby on Christmas morning. He is so very thoughtful.
• My kids and what they gave us and each other (see below)
• Watching Megan and Ben...enjoying him more and more.
• Good movies - and having the time to watch them.
• A cozy fire and a non-windy day...(we can't have a fire on a windy day. Too much downdraft.)
• Cottage cheese - weird, but it tastes good and settles my stomach

Bobby has always loved Christmas and has a very hard time waiting, so we always end up opening his gifts to us first. Yesterday, he was especially antsy! During football season, and the month of October, the guys wore pink tape often in honor of breast cancer awareness month (not just in honor of me, but I'd like to think so!). The personal trainers wore black t-shirts with 'Geneva Football' across the front in bright pink lettering (normally gold for the school) and the pink ribbon. They were not for general sale. Bobby worked it out to buy a dozen, sell what he didn't need to others and get each of us one for Christmas! He was SO pleased with himself and I will get a picture up later!

As always, a little fear about tomorrow, but fully aware that the Lord has this in His hands and that brings great comfort. God bless your day!
Andi

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Good morning, and Merry Christmas!  Packages are wrapped, sticky buns are done (the girls did 90% of the work this year!), and I'm just about to go make our morning coffee. The kids are planning on being ready to come downstairs by 8:30...I think Bob is already up. He is ALWAYS restless on Christmas Eve and, even at 20 like a little kid.

I do pray that you all have a day filled with fun, laughter, good memory-makers, and an underlying sense of awe at the Gift given. However you celebrate, let thankfulness be at the core. No matter what anyone says or how we have distorted it, Christmas would not be around if we didn't have a Savior to celebrate!

Last night, I received a lot of hugs at church and it was good. Also good to be in the congregation instead of up with the choir...though I missed singing with them, I thoroughly enjoyed listening for a change! And it was wonderful. Though I admit to being sore and tired by the end (my port is bothering me when I am too busy in a day...muscular ache in my shoulder), it was good to be there. But, Bobby and I snuck out the side door to avoid going back through the crowd on the way out! I probably missed a bunch more hugs, but I'm learning my limits...catch you next time!

Last night we were chatting a little, Megan made a few encouraging comments about how I'm handling everything. She's a honey. Bobby made the observation that, since I still have my hair, in this year's and next year's videos of Christmas, I will have hair in both!  Hadn't thought of that! It is definitely thinning, but not shave-worthy yet. Just thought that was a great way to look ahead at the result of all of this...

Thankful thoughts:

• A husband who is "Mr. Christmas".  Couldn't do it without him
• Able helpers in my kitchen...I'm working myself out of a job!
• Kids that make me laugh...just fun to watch them!
• A cuddly cat that has been my constant companion while sleeping in this chair...yay, Clark.
• Calmed-down side effects to enjoy today.
• Naps with earplugs - VERY good!
• The joy of giving...feels so good.

"Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord." Luke 2:11


Merry Christmas everyone! It's finally here!
Andi

Longest day of the year?

It's Christmas Eve! Does that evoke the same excitement in you as it does in me? Always, of course, as a kid, it was the longest day of the year. Now, I don't have enough time to get everything done and wish for just one more day...but that's okay. Christmas Eve is fun...the anticipation, the preparation, the baking of OUR sticky buns, and even now the enthusiasm of our kids. They've never fully grown up where Christmas is concerned and I hope they never do. Certainly, the focus of how we spend our time changes as we get older, but we've tried to couple the 'fun' elements of Christmas with the majesty and beauty of Christ's arrival, the anticipation of that, what it means to us and why we even bother giving gifts and celebrating in the first place. One of my favorite parts of our tradition on Christmas morning is two-fold - the unwrapping of the Baby Jesus for our nativity is the first gift that is open and He is placed where He belongs. Then, the kids give the gifts they have gotten for each other or for us. Over the years, we have both been humbled and pleased with the thoughtful gifts they put together or have saved for. Sometimes they have asked for our help - mostly, it's all on their own, especially as they've gotten older. (We have NO clue what Bobby has...just told us he was done with his shopping when he got home!)

We were talking yesterday that it was the 1-year anniversary of having to put our old dog, Graham, to sleep. Two days before Christmas last year, while baking sticky buns with a friend, we had to gather him up and get him to the vet. Long story short, we came home empty-handed. Absolutely right decision, but very sad and painful. The next day, some dear friends called, and long story short, we had the promise of a new puppy by the following Tuesday, a few days after Christmas! We spent the morning of Christmas, sitting around while opening gifts, talking about names for our new bundle of pup, and it was so much fun! We all agreed on 'Bailey', in honor of George Bailey from 'It's a Wonderful Life', being a Christmas pup and all...and we waited. Now she is a VERY present part of our every day and we love her dearly. I look back now and see, even in that, how the Lord provided for our broken hearts. Gave us joy in the midst of some very sad days. (If you are not a pet-lover, maybe you won't understand. Sorry!) And the anticipation of the pup helped eliminate some of the loss. On such a broader scale, Christmas reminds us that God has provided for our broken hearts by giving us the perfect Gift in Jesus. The loss of our relationship with Him because of our sinfulness is restored, our sadness (whether we realize we are sad or not!) can be eliminated all because of what He came to do.  I'm preaching again - sorry - and truth be told, as much as I LOVE Christmas and all that goes with it, my favorite holiday in many ways is Easter. We celebrate then the culmination of His whole purpose!

Thankful thoughts:

• GOOD energy level yesterday to get things done
• A handmade cookbook I remembered just in time to make this AMAZING soup! Thank you, Bev Haselhorst for this recipe!
• A deep peace underneath all the questions and waiting
• Being driven by Kristen - I know I've said it before, but so thankful
• Examples of other women who have been strong through similar circumstances
• Some time alone, quiet, last evening.
• Being on the receiving end of so many blessings - and being able to give back
• A Godly mother - she doesn't realize it, but she encourages me every day, even if I don't get a chance to talk to her.

Enough...the aforementioned pup is whimpering to 'get-me-out-of-this-cage-already - I-know-you're-awake'. Guess I better go. So many of you have told me this blog is encouraging to you. Thank you. It's been surprising good for me to do, and I know I ramble at times. Right now, things are stable...til round 2 on Tuesday. Oh, goodie.

Have a blessed day, and a WONDERFUL Christmas!
Andi

Sticky buns are good therapy...even if I can't eat them!

Sticky buns (my grandmother's recipe and something we have had every Christmas I can remember) are very therapeutic. They are time-consuming, messy, and well, sticky! But there is something very comforting in the routine of scalding the milk, mixing each step and watching/waiting for them to rise. And the smell?  Mmmmm...not much smells better. My family gets frustrated, since I make them for others BEFORE I make ours on Christmas Eve day. Conversations go something like:  "ANY left for us this time?!?!"  "No, not til Christmas morning."  "MOM!"  But they are worth waiting for. And I am not making nearly as many as I usually do this year, for obvious reasons.  Whatever I want to get done, I need to do in the morning. Afternoons and evenings I just slow down. So, the last 2 mornings have found me awake by 'early' and starting a batch around 6 or so. Coffee with Megan while it is going through the first rising, and the house smelling incredible by 10.

My last 2 days have been more 'normal', with some side effects but not as many or as pronounced. My energy level has been better, so I have felt more productive, but still not where I usually am this time of year. That's okay. This time of year is not about my being productive. It certainly helps get things wrapped, baked, etc. BUT, Jesus is the focus and I see that more this year than any other.

Thankful thoughts:

• The smell of sticky buns baking.
• A visit from a friend of Megan's - so nice to catch up!
• Girls that are protective and take care of me.  :)
• Being able to have slow-paced days
• Only one doctor visit this week!
• Dealing with expansions more easily...
• Clean carpets - Bailey got into chocolate...alot of it...Stanley Steemer is a wonderful company. 'Nuf said.
• Random texts from random people just to check in.
• Good mornings...feels good to get some things done.

These verses below have long been some of my favorites. They were used in our wedding, and seem to apply and encourage in so many circumstances. I've been told I'm doing great, that I am an encouragement and so strong...thank you from many of you who have said those things or variations of them. And I am so thankful that I have been an encouragement to some! I don't feel strong. There are times I feel scared, overwhelmed, discouraged, and all those dark, discouraging things. There are even times that I still can't even believe we are talking about cancer and I am already through surgery and into chemo. And I know that doesn't mean I'm weak...just painfully human. But, somehow in the midst of this, I am gaining a better understanding of the things mentioned in these verses...how important it is to be rooted in Him and His truth. To have power - from HIM - with all the saints (SO many are praying!). That knowing what is often in my heart and mind cannot simply disappear by 'thinking positive thoughts' and 'plowing through'...those do need to be done, but only when wrapped in the knowledge of His never-ending love and mercy. If He chooses to use this to teach me more about how much I need Him in ways I never imagined, then I am thankful that He never lets anything go to waste. When I feel discouraged, or scared, or misshapen or whatever, He brings to mind that His love is wider, longer, higher, and deeper than any tumor or steroid or side effect or expansion. And I am comforted. He is the Strong One, not me.

Ephesians 3.16-21
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

So, way back in the beginning of this, I promised I wouldn't be too long or preach. Apparently, I lied. Sorry!

Love to you all.
Andi

So, it's 5:38 am and all is well...

My routine lately has been: wake up around 4 am, try to doze but can't, admit defeat and check email or read. Sometimes I am able to get back to sleep pretty easily, but not tonight. So here I am, chatting with you!

Yesterday was a longer day than I expected, so be glad I didn't write last night. It would have been decidedly more discouraging! I haven't lost any hair yet, but it has a very different texture...just waiting for the 'shoe to drop' as they say. The texture thing might be my imagination. Didn't feel great and was very tired, but had a doctor's appt and things to do. Kristen, as always, was a willing driver and I am SO thankful for that! Also, she ended up making the dough for our 2 favorite Christmas cookies, and they have turned out great so far! My great-aunt Ethel Schappet made them up and they are yummy...well, not to me right now, but that's okay. Kristen came back and forth with questions...one of them has a direction to dissolve 1 tsp. of baking soda in 2 Tbsp. of water and then add. She wondered why...I assume so the soda is dissolved and gets through the whole dough, plus adding a bit of moisture. But, I don't know why. That's just they way it is always done, and it wouldn't be her recipe without it!  I have so many memories of watching my mom handcut the raisins for these cookies, and now I am the one that does it. Good times.

In spite of a long day, these thankful thoughts came to mind:

• Vanilla milkshakes. New suggestion from the nurse and settled my stomach, though I only had half. Finding a constant balance between what tastes good and what I can eat as a diabetic is interesting!
• A very silly daughter, who even makes walking in a parking lot an adventure!  :)
• Padded elevators - see below...
• My comfy chair
• The smell of burnt cookies...so, she's still learning! When her reason for missing the 'ding' is because she's hanging out with her siblings, I'm okay with that!  Only one tray's worth damaged...they say charcoal is good for the digestion?!
• Watching a puppy romp outside, by herself, with a bone...stopping every once in a while like she knows she's being watched. Hysterical!
• Coffee...still tastes good! Most of it is the company though, I'm sure. 7 am with Megan as often as possible. I HAVE to brush my teeth first though.
• The magic of Christmas lights and candles. Comforting.
• Joni's devotionals. They come in my email at around 3:30 am so they are waiting when I can't sleep!

On the elevator story, when we visit my surgeon's office, there have always been brown quilted pads hanging all through the elevator. We always speculated that it was because people had a tough time on the way TO or FROM doctor's appointments, and they must need a padded area for the trip up and down...yesterday, that elevator was closed for repairs, and we had to walk ALL the way to the end of the hall to use the much-bigger and still-padded elevator that TALKED! Kinda freaky..."Going Up" or "Going to 1st floor" in that smooth woman's voice. I actually asked at the doc's office why they were padded. Michelle, the receptionist, who is delightful just said, "Wait...I actually know this one! When they are used for freight they have to have the padding up, so they just keep it that way all the time."
Well, that was anti-climactic after OUR reason, so we still like to think of it as our very own padded cell!

The Lord will indeed give what is good. --Psalm 85:12

My verse for the day...it was in Joni's devotional this morning. And He does indeed give what is good. Maybe not always our definition of good, but in His line of vision, it is. We are too proud or arrogant if we think He owes us anything! And yet, He is so good with so many things, all the time. I am finding, though this is hard, that I am laughing more often, appreciating more deeply the many little and big things people are doing for me, and loving the life the Lord has given me more sweetly. THOSE are all very good things He has given.

Have a wonderful day. I pray you are taking to heart the precious time of year this is. Christmas will come whether we are 'ready' or not...so enjoy it! Christ came, not to make our lives frantic, but to bring us to Himself because we are so incapable of doing that ourselves.

Andi

A few days into this...holding my own!

So sorry I haven't been writing the last few days. After my first chemo round, I have been doing pretty well, but not lasting long...and other things were pressing!

Overall, I'm okay. They certainly do a lot to help manage the side effects and I am thankful for that. They have been relatively minimal, but today brought a new glitch.  I have a migraine for the first time in 2 years. Often, over the years, when bothered by meds or post surgery, I would end up with a migraine. Seems to be the way my body often reacts to foreign 'stuff'' in my body. But it hasn't happened in years, so it was a bit discouraging. Those of you who have them can relate.

Everything they have told me would happen has been accurate, for the most part. The biggest thing has been just how tired I am. They said it would be workable around my life, and I would have to pick and choose...usually doing 12 things in a day and only getting 5-6 things done. That's pretty true! My mornings have been good, so I get some things done, but by the afternoon, I am feeling rocky and tired. Thankfully, no bone pain with the Neulasta shot, at least this round.

But, enough of all that!  Bobby is home and the family is complete! So good to have him home - he brings a silliness that is magnified around his dad and sisters (apparently, I'M funnier on drugs!). He's relieved to be done finals, and they've been watching old family videos all afternoon. SO fun to hear them laughing, even at each other's (or quite often, MY) expense at some of those awkward years. You tell yourself you will never forget some things, but you do. So the movies are a gift - especially to hear Bobby's 'former' voice! 

Thankful things:

• Kids who make me laugh. I am astounded at their humor.
• Saturday morning coffee - ALMOST complete...Bob slept WAY in!
• Lynn Burkholder - nothing like his fresh-roasted coffee.
• Side effects aren't what they could be.
• Diet ginger ale and Nilla wafers - weird, right?
• Amazon.com...my shopping mall this Christmas
• Seeing growth in all my children - the Lord is teaching us all so much.
• My precious husband who makes me feel special every day. And who just never complains.
• Doctors, nurses and medicine gifted by the Lord to help in so many ways.

This morning, I told the girls I just loved them so much, I didn't know how to begin. Kristen looked at me and said, "Oh, you can begin just fine...you would just never end!"  Very true.  I do pray for them often. They are young to be handling so much.

I also pray for you all. Thank you again for the time you take to check in, pray for me, love me and simply encourage me. There are days that I am overwhelmed with both negative and positive thoughts, and want so much to learn through this - the Lord has definitely given me a peace about where I am and that I need to wait and rest, one day at a time. Not a bad way to live all the rest of the time too!

God bless as you seek to serve Him.
Andi

Mystery - OVER and one down, 7 to go...

Thank you all for your prayers and support today. The actual visit turned out fine, with no pain with them sticking me. Ice chips to avoid mouth sores for one of the drugs. Nurses that are very good at what they do. And a loving daughter and faithful sister to keep me company. I am pretty wiped out tonight, but glad the suspense is over.  Now we wait and see over the next few days.  Biggest issue will be fatigue, I'm sure, but that I can handle. No nausea yet and drugs ready to handle that. I go back first thing tomorrow morning for a shot of Neulasta (I have to take Claritin with it...it supposedly helps with the bone pain!  They don't know why, but it does!)
So, here you go...thankful thoughts:

• Wawa coffee - nice treat with hazelnut.  I may not taste it soon, so it was very good.
• Twin Valley coffee - still had some before I left. It's my morning routine at home...hard to stop! But the Wawa was decaf.  :)
• Laughing with Padge and Kristen. It eased the process. People said it was nice to hear 'happy' in that office!
• Nice chats with some folks in the waiting room - one was a sales rep, and we chatted. See below for the story...
• Having the needle stick not hurt!
• Meeting a nurse from Elverson, lives in Summerfield and knows Doris Rasmussen! (My sister-in-law's mom!)
• Getting some insurance kinks worked out - very thankful for it, but it gets a bit frustrating.
• Dr. DiCicco - my primary doc. Went above and beyond for me today.
• Donna Larson's dinner!  So thankful she was willing to bring it today and not yesterday. She and so many have been gifts to us!
• Insulin - the steroids they give me mess with my blood sugars. This helps, and I am thankful.
• Wendy Fulbright - came at the drop of a hat to teach me how to give myself insulin (It's only as needed through the chemo)
• A very soft, warm hoodie...I walked out of the house without a coat. Stopped at Target and found a hoodie on sale! Bonus!
• AND flowers. Love them.

So, Padge, Kristen and I walked into the office laughing. We don't remember why, but we were laughing. A couple people commented and smiled, and the young lady I mentioned said how nice it was to hear 'happy' in the office.  We all commented about how you have to laugh and I mentioned how my husband still makes me laugh every day.  She says, "I hope I marry someone who makes me laugh."  I just smiled, and said, "Well, just see to it! If he doesn't make you laugh while you are dating, he won't when you're married!" Cute convo...and thankful for a happy hubby.

Well, as you can see, in the midst of a tough situation, there are MANY things that come along to help find us thankful. And though some days may end up to be harder than others, I rest in the love of the Lord. Hope you do as well. His strength is certainly sustaining me. I would not be dealing well if I didn't have Him.

Rest well. Pray that I do. Tired, but the steroids make me jittery. Maybe I will get something done!  Nah...not tonight.

It is now Wednesday...didn't get this posted yesterday, obviously. Didn't sleep too well, but that was to be expected. Sugars are better today, and headache still here. Feeling a little queasy, so took some meds for that...now zoning out!

The Lord bless you and keep you...
Andi

Now the proud owner of...2 wigs!

I have to be honest...it was not easy for me to go today, but my girls were wonderful and helpful and made it fun. A little awkward at first, but the woman at the store was kind, knowledgeable and so supportive. Truly, the wigs look better than my own hair and both were on sale!  Bonus: since my insurance doesn't apparently cover a 'cranial prosthesis', then the sale price was a PLUS! Also, we picked up one sleeping cap and a navy blue floppy hat that I think may end up being my favorite...learning things I never thought I would!

 

 

I am so ready to have the mystery of  the chemo behind me. The waiting all along the way has been the hardest. But there have been many blessings in the waiting as well. I've had time to think on a lot of little things, and learn more about myself - not always pretty. I've had precious time with friends, old and new. I've learned so much about waiting on the Lord. When you have no choice, you either learn or stay frustrated and miserable! Hopefully, we learn and then carry that over to all areas of our heart and life.

A friend of mine from Family Retreat sent me a card.  Following is the sentiment that was inside.

• You are stronger than you realize.
• Life's inevitable adversities call forth our courage.
• You have a lot of wisdom inside you.
• God's plan will unfold with perfect timing.
• A hug from my heart is only a phone call away!

Those words were perfectly timed to encourage me as I wait. Thank you, Sharon, if you are reading this.  Other encouraging thoughts I have read this week...
"How does God's grace engage your sufferings? We may know the right answer. And yet we don't know it...God sets about a long slow answering. But we try to make it a quick fix. His answer insists on being lived out over time and into the particulars...The endurance of faith is one of the Spirit's finest fruits - and you only learn to endure when you must live through something hard."  (taken from an article by David Powlison)

May you all be filled to the fullest with Christmas joy and anticipation! It is a wonderful, fun, sobering, precious time of year to enjoy family, appreciate so many things, ad celebrate Jesus. It's all about Him, anyway!

Love you
Andi

38 cents and making my Dad laugh...

So, many of you know that my father has been spending most of the last year recovering from a massive heart attack and triple bypass surgery that occured in February. We have been so thankful that the Lord was not finished with him here yet, but have seen some changes that will most likely not improve. And that is okay...except when one of those changes is his ability to stay balanced. Also, it seems impossible for him to resist picking up dropped change! Put the 2 together and invariably he falls. First time was to pick up a nickel. Second time my mom told me it was a penny...bends over to pick it up and pitches forward.  Thankfully, they have been minor incidences, but while they were visiting me the other day (Mom brought dinner on a day I didn't have one coming...never stops mothering and I love it!), I handed him a nickel and said, "Here.  Leave the next one you find on the floor ALONE!  I want you to stop falling!"  I was rewarded with one of his most genuine, hearty laughs and I think I really surprised him!  He then proceeded to correct me...it wasn't a penny - it was $0.38, thank you very much! Oh, Dad...I love him.

 

 

I am doing fairly well...definitely improving from surgery and thankful for that. Saw my surgeon on Monday and she is still pleased, recommended a lymphodema therapist and I will see her in 4 weeks.  After that, it stretches to every 3 months for a while.  I also saw my plastic surgeon and like him more and more...just don't like what he does!  The expansions are not pleasant but they are getting easier, and I am very thankful for that.

 

 

So...chemo starts next week. I am trying not to dwell on things, since I know a few definites...everything else falls under the category of the 'yet unknowns'. I do pray that my reaction is somewhat minimal, of course. 2 things I am apparently assured of - I will be tired and I will lose my hair. Everything else is a 'wait and see'...I'll be glad when the mystery is out of it. Again, waiting is the hardest part of all of this since day 1, and I just keep turning it back over to the Lord to wait on and in HIM! Right now, I'm sitting and watching my hubby begin the chore of decorating a 14-foot tree. He is a master at putting lights on! And we are watching "A Christmas Carol". For what it's worth, I have enjoyed a slower pace, for the most part, even though the reason is not an easy one to bear. He has gone before me on this journey and has my best interests in mind.  I do believe that, though experiencially it can be a bit different on a day-to-day basis.  "I believe, help me overcome my unbelief." from the book of Mark comes to mind. A daily growing process and balance of all He is teaching us...

 

Thankful thoughts:

• A lovely lunch with the church staff, and I am so very thankful for the job the Lord has provided me.  We are all human, but I love them dearly.
• Running an errand all by myself!  Uncomfortable to drive, but not impossible.
• Coming home to about 8 candles lit.  Thank you Kristen.  :)
• A new Christmas scarf.  Brightened my day!
• Encouraging words from a friend, just letting me know that seeing me today looking so good had just made her day! Thank you Heidi!
• My Hearts and Hands ladies...I could not be working from home right now, if it weren't for you,
• Seat warmers...
• French onion soup...yum!

So, on we wait for the next step. And, many who are in more difficult situations come to mind and are lifted in prayer. May you all be more keenly aware of the Lord in your life, more sensitive to His Spirit and drawn closer to Him.

 

 

Andi

Another day closer to the 'yet-unknowns'...

Thank you, first and foremost, to those of you who have gone out of your way to let me know that you have enjoyed reading my blog. I was so hesitant to start it, and yet have found it to be a good thing for me.  I really draw back from having things 'all about me', and yet right now it seems like I have no choice. This is a full-time job sometimes.

My day has been quiet, and I am always so torn about attending church. Some days everything seems like too much work, and yet it is good to be there and overwhelming at the same time. The rest of my day was spent catching up on letter-writing, testing lights, reading and resting...Buddy was amazing and he astounds me with how tireless he is when it comes to our Christmas tree!  I certainly couldn't do what he does.  Perfect every year.  But it is certainly a process!

Thankful thoughts:

• Heating pads.
• Post-it notes tablets...I love them!  Staples is one of my favorite stores, by the way!
• Hot tea
• Getting a 'broken' set of lights working again.  YES!
• Getting hugs, even gentle ones - good medicine.
• Sunday leftovers!
• Napping on my side...not very successful, but still a relief for a little bit.

Psalm 4:8
"In peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety."

May you all sleep well tonight...the above verse was shared with me by a very dear young man.  Such a good reminder.

Andi

Next steps...wig-fitting! Weird...

So, what I week I have had. And I am thankful to be home today, puttering and doing normal things. 5 different doctor appts. this week with 3 more coming this week...such is my life these days!  And I have a patient, kind driver who has been so helpful...and LOVES logging driving hours with her permit.  :)

 

 

Things accomplished this week:
Stitches out, met Oncologist, had Mediport placed for chemo, met nurse practitioner at oncology office, and had pre-chemo baseline heart echo done.

 

 

Things coming this week:
Followup with surgeon, another expansion (blech...), meet with Oncologist again, try to see my primary care doc and possibly switch to one at Paoli (it would make some things easier even though I do love my current doctor)

 

 

I am scheduled to start chemo on December 13th.  They were nice enough not to schedule me the week just before Christmas since I don't know how I will react.  They truly do everything they can to make it easy on your body, but it is still an assault on your body.  So, I should have some time to recoup before Christmas.  AND, they say I will most likely be looking to be bald(ing) by New Year's.  That has been surprisingly difficult to handle this week, even though I know we will make it fun.  Just all of this is becoming more of a reality. Up until now, this has been Mom recovering from surgery.  Both girls have said that when I start chemo, the reality of the cancer will hit home more.  I have appreciated the Oncologist already.  We were 'warned' about her upfront, no-sugar-coating way of dealing with things, but found her warm and friendly and just very honest.  We thoroughly appreciated that.  And like her and the office very much.  She was the first one I've met that openly said the the expanders hurt!  Thank you for that! 

Off to talk Christmas lists with Buddy and sit here to test light strands for the tree.  There are some things I can do without getting too exhausted and I am so glad for that.  Physically, I am feeling pretty good but just tire easily...my arms and chest muscles get tired by the end of the day.  I remember someone telling me, after having kids, that they kept waiting for things to get back to 'normal' and then realized that there was a NEW 'normal'!  That's how I am feeling at the moment and the new normal will eventually end, but it is here for quite a while.

Thankful for:

• the fact that people at Paoli are well-trained in their jobs, both technically and personally.
• the fact that this cancer is treatable. 
• so many here and around me that show their love in many thoughtful, practical ways.
• Christmas music - what a LIFT to my spirits!
• Christmas lights - I know I have said that before, but I just love them. I'm glad we don't have them all year. Makes it all the more special. 
• Driving home in the dark and seeing different houses decorated.
• Shopping in Target with Kristen - she makes so many funny comments! You just don't even know!

Have a blessed day. Wherever you are, be reminded of the Advent of our Savior. What a blessing in the midst of difficult days!

Andi

Finally 'feeling' more like Christmas...

I know that many people love warm weather year round, and have never known anything different.  Personally, I am thankful that we have 4 seasons around here, and that it gets colder at the holidays.  I'm sure I would adjust no matter where we lived, and that the Lord's birth is the 'reason for the season' as they say.  However, there is something about a crisp morning, a little breeze, decorations and lights going up...it is all a part of my history with the holidays.  And I love it.  Over the years, especially when the kids were little, we would take an evening  before Christmas just to drive around to see lights and decorations.  We would figure out which house was 'worthy', one that delighted us every time we drove by - and we would make them sticky buns, go to the door, and introduce ourselves, letting them know that we enjoyed their decorations.  Can't think of one house that didn't love it!  There is a house in Morgantown that sometimes gets decorated beautifully, but not every year...I wonder why and we did give them our 'gift' one year. We found out that their son did most of the decorating!  And he was in high school! 

 

Our house is slowly getting decorated, primarily thanks to Kristen and Buddy.  And whenever we drive up to it in the dark, I sigh deeply...love the lights.  In the midst of a hectic season, I pray that you are finding joy in whatever you do to celebrate the season, and that it is FUN, not a burden.  Birthdays are supposed to be FUN!  And we celebrate the most perfect gift...I love Christmas, but even more, I love Easter...that is the remembrance of the reason He was born, the beautiful fulfillment of His purpose.  And I am thankful. 

 

"For Christ died for sins, once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring us to God." I Peter 3:18

 

Enough preaching!  To catch you up, yesterday I had the Medi-port put in.  Long day and I was more uncomfortable than I expected to be, but today is much better.  I literally got home yesterday, Carolyn heated up some soup for me, and I then slept from 2:30ish until 8 pm.  Wiped out, to say the least.  But, today, it is a little easier and I am sure tomorrow will be even better.  I continue to love Dr. Attebery and am thankful for her and for everyone at Paoli.  They could not be better...

 

Tomorrow, I meet the oncologist's nurse practitioner and also get my heart echo done. Monday, follow up with my surgeon and will soon find out when I start chemo...she definitely wants me to start before Christmas.

 

Thankful thoughts:

• that my sister is improving and is listening to her doctor!  Padge, I'm fine and there will be plenty for you to still do with me!  :)
• for a sister-in-law so willing to step in and give up her own plans.
• a beautiful morning, after clouds yesterday.
• meeting another believer who registered me yesterday at Paoli.  Nice little plus!
• all the staff at Paoli...so good at what they do.
• Warm soup and hot coffee...I hope I don't lose my taste for coffee with chemo...I would sorely miss it!
• Percoset - yes, I needed it last night and so glad to have it!
• reconnecting with one of my best friends from college, and several others, on facebook...what a gift!
• For a sweet, attentive pup who has been a gentle girl with me.
• For fresh flowers...thank you, TC, I love them!
• Graham crackers and diet ginger ale after surgery...delicious!
• A patient, attentive, loving, FUNNY family...after almost 30 years, Buddy still makes me laugh every day...though last night, it hurt, it felt good at the same time! And my girls are ridiculous too...

Again, so many little things throughout the day. I pray you will find them too, as the day progresses.

God bless.
Andi