So humbling...

What a great day yesterday was - in spite of the SNOW, most of the 'queens' for the day made it and all went well.  I was a little frazzled with singing, but God was gracious in that as well and the song was fine.  So many new servants for the day, and that was great to see!  Just sitting with someone in my chair for a foot massage, and hearing the buzz of conversation with the other ladies was a blessing.  The day goes by too fast.  And I am always amazed at the detail of the day and how seamlessy things roll along. Thank you, Deborah and Carol, for your commitment to this day - and to so many who work tirelessly for it.

Came home last night (took a long time to go a mile, thanks to downed trees on our road!), snuggled up in the snow with a hot cup of tea and a movie, thankful for a warm, quiet house and all (family stayed out at Geneva to avoid nasty, late-night driving) - and the power went out around 8:30!  So...I was in bed early and got a great night's sleep.  We still are without power, and I am looking at it as 'forced downtime'.  I suppose I need to be focusing on other things over the next 3 days or so than having everything at home the way I would like it before my surgery!

Tonight was humbling and I am so thankful.  During our evening church service, it is a sharing/prayer time, usually of different themes as needed.  Tonight, at the end, several elders and other leaders in the church (including my wonderful husband) circled around me to specifically pray over and for me.  My nephew, Cliff, led the prayer which was especially precious to me.  We are so blessed - in the midst of all of this, there is so much I am thankful for!

I don't even know how to begin to tell you all the things my heart is learning in this.  In the midst of tears, there is 'a peace that passes all understanding' and I do feel my heart and mind guarded in Jesus Christ. (Philippians 4:7)  Thank you, each and every one, for your love and prayers.

Taking one deep breath at a time...

It was so rainy and would have been delightful to roll over and stay asleep this morning, but couldn't do that! Had too much planned today...

Thankful for:

• Kids that help with Queen for a Day...priceless seeing teenage boys hanging lacey curtains!
• Finding enough zero-gravity chairs for Saturday...SOOO much more comfortable than any other alternative.
• Enjoying a shopping trip with the coolest 16-year-old I know!  Even LUNCH!
• Warm, creamy cream of broccoli soup for dinner on a day like today - homemade!

Continuing to wait, very restless to get-on-with-it-already.  Someone told me that the waiting was the hardest, and that it took years off of her...I would have to agree!  There are a lot of unknowns still, so I just am praying and trusting and WAITING!  Thank you for listening and waiting with me...

Just checking in...

I do appreciate each of you that takes the time to read my ramblings. Not much new today, except that Fox Chase called to let me know they were not able to have my case reviewed yesterday due to the volume of cases.  They are trying to see if any of the 'tumor board' are able/willing to take a look on their own to offer recommendations.  I do feel very comfortable with my surgeon at Paoli and with the decision, though, so I am not too concerned if they are not able to come back with much...trusting the Lord on that front.

Today was long but found me thankful for the following:

• Early morning energy to get some things done.
• Quiet evening to catch up and relax a bit.
• A personal call from my surgeon to check in...I find that remarkable!
• Pretty quick visit to Paoli for pre-admit testing, and lovely folks caring for me there.
• For wonderful volunteers in my church, helping out in the front office.  They make me look good!
• Dinner provided by my precious mom.  What a gift!  And delicious!
• Practicing with Tricia for Saturday...she alone is a treat to be with.
• Good conversations with several folks about Saturday - it will be a great day!
• A sister-in-law I thoroughly enjoy and love to chat with...needs to happen more often!
• Always seeing God's provision in little ways - a text (thank you, Jill!), a hug, a meal, another piece of the puzzle put in...
• Laughter through all of it...there is definitely JOY in everything!

In the midst of all of this, I am very aware of several good friends going through particularly hard times.  I don't like this 'needing to focus on me' aspect of things right now, and lift them up in prayer, even though there isn't much I can do practically.  If you all read this, know that I love you and am praying for you...I don't only make jelly when I can't sleep!
 
Have a good rest tonight.

And the countdown begins...

Hello, all.  Thanks to those of you who have taken the time to check out this new endeavor of mine. I appreciate your time spent and hope it is worth the read...9 days to go til my surgery date.  No serious second thoughts, but certainly some concerns/fears...but, in the midst of it all...

I am, and remain thankful for:

• Dear friends who have not let me go a day without an encouraging card, email, text, etc.
• Things to do to keep me busy! Field hockey, football, making applesauce and jelly (yeah, I know...I'm nuts)...
• New friends on the SAME journey having surgery the SAME day with the SAME type of cancer!  Coincidence?  I think not!  (This cancer is only found in 10% of women!)
• Laughter with my family this past weekend...such good medicine.
• Hugs from my son...even better medicine.
• Lunch out with my mom-in-law, after pre-admission testing.  Nice way to end a morning!
• Good reading given in small doses - thank you, Kathy and Joan.
• Wise counsel from someone who has been there.
• Looking forward to a day serving with some of my favorite people at one of my favorite events of the year...Queen for a Day.  What a precious day.  Even more precious are the people.

In light of that coming day, I would ask you to pray on Saturday for me. I am asked to sing at this event for women who are caregivers of someone with a disability...a day of much-needed and well-deserved pampering.  A song always comes that just HAS to be sung, and I picked it over the summer after hearing it at our summer camp.  Little did I know what was coming for me, and how appropriate these lyrics would be.  I've had several people randomly tell me that Tricia and I should sing this song for that day, not knowing it was already chosen or about my situation...it is called 'Blessings' by Laura Story, and I am sure many of you know it.  Pray that I get through it?  I want IT to be a blessing to many...lyrics posted below.

BLESSINGS - by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us, When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home. It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life - The rain, the storms, the hardest nights are Your mercies in disguise

This fall weather helps keep my head clear!

What another beautiful, crisp morning!  It has been a few days and a whirlwind of thoughts running through my mind...Wednesday brought a 2nd opinion, and the last few days brought more 'God-sightings' (to steal a phrase from Joni camp!).  Visiting Fox Chase on Wednesday was worth it and I'm still waiting for an official, 'full' 2nd opinion since they review new cases as a group on Tuesdays and had not received all my medical reports yet, but the Dr. was very knowledgeable and confirmed the same characteristics of this cancer as the Paoli docs. Things lined up in that way.  Being a medical oncologist, her approach is different and she would tend to treat more aggressively with chemo if possible(which I personally would like to avoid if at all possible).  Again, I am waiting for a more complete evaluation of all my records by their team of doctors on Tuesday...waiting is the name of the 'cancer game'!  I am still planning on proceeding as planned with my surgery, but do want to hear what they have to say.  My doctor at Paoli seems to be looking at me more as a 'whole person' and how life will be post-surgery and I appreciate that...what would this be like to live with in reality?  Do I want to live with the possibility of recurrence and constant testing/biopsying?  And round and round we go...

In the midst of all of this, I find myself a bit overwhelmed but constantly buoyed by:

• a good friend who will roadtrip with me to Fox Chase, making me laugh while waiting over an hour for the doctor! (thank you, Brenda Shirk!)
• Yellow roses delivered to my door (You know who you are, and you have great timing!)
• Cards received almost daily, sharing Bible verses, love, encouragement
• Co-workers picking up the slack on those long days
• A Bible study at church pausing to listen and pray on the spot the day of my trip to Fox Chase
• A field hockey team that is doing WELL!  But, NOT playing this Saturday, so I GET TO GO SEE BOBBY and watch Geneva play!  That is very exciting to this Mom!
• the smell of homemade applesauce while it cooks 
• Texts from small group friends at just the right moment...

I am living the truth that the Lord is in the midst of very difficult times and I see it every day.  Tears in the midst of joy, struggle in the midst of rest, fear in the midst of complete trust.

Words from my cousin, Susan...

God's strength to pilot you

God's power to preserve you

God's wisdom to instruct you

God’s hand to protect you

God's way to direct you

God's shield to defend you

And the host of God to guard you.

I pray you have a blessed day.  And all of the above for you as well.  I am well aware that there are those in more dire straits that I am, and I hold you in prayer as well.  Enjoy the cool air, and breathe deeply...

Things I am thankful for today...

What an amazing morning it is and I walked into my office at church to find a beautiful pink/purple mum on my desk from a very dear friend (you know who you are!) - one thing I am thankful for already this morning.

Also:

• for an older daughter who made me feel beautiful this morning.
• for a younger daughter with a servant heart.
• for a good book to read when I can't sleep.
• for hot coffee every morning.

Barely noon, and my list is growing. I didn't sleep very well last night, getting my head around an actual surgery date and all. But, when I think of the alternatives, things come more clearly into focus. Completely overwhelmed by the love and support, even emails from people I don't know well offering encouragement and understanding...

Hope you are all having as good a day as I am!

Next steps...

"For I know the plans I have for you", says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

My girls came home from the Geneva football game on Sunday wearing pink t-shirts that were sold at the game in honor Breast Cancer Awareness month, and this verse was beautifully scripted across the back. The team also wore a bunch of pink tape, Bobby included, which meant a great deal.  I know his was for me, and I would like to think everyone else's was for me, but I know there are many others who are or have been affected in some way. I'm just beginning to get a clue...

Met with the plastic surgeon today, and received more wise counsel.  And, lo and behold, we have a date scheduled...November 3rd!  I don't know what time - they will let me know the day before for the exact time, but that Thursday is it!  About 3 weeks away...wow, do I have a lot to do!

My second opinion is scheduled for this Wednesday afternoon at 3:15. You probably won't hear from me til then, but I wanted to let you know that latest. Thanks for your continued prayers. 

Here goes nothin'...

So, I am completely new at this whole blog thing and not one to write my every thought. (Journaling has eluded me off and on for years...) However, I have been exceedingly blessed by an abundance of friends and a dear family, who would like to be kept up to speed on what is happening in my life at the moment.  The lack of a personal touch doesn't appeal to me, but not missing someone does!  Please feel free to share this blog name with anyone you know who knows me and would be interested in keeping up with my journey through the uncharted waters of breast cancer. The Lord has already taught me much about patience, how He paves the way, His provision of simple, everyday needs, and constant evidence of His grace and mercy in my life. It is very humbling...


A brief synopsis of the last month and a half...
August 26 - Diagnostic mammogram showing lumps in both breasts.
September 9 - Meet with surgeon at Paoli Hospital. Not concerned since lumps present as cysts, but schedule biopsies to be sure. (Thank you , sister/nurse Padge!)
September 21 - biopsies of both breasts...results on the 26th, showing left side a fibrous cyst. Right side is ILC, or Invasive Lobular Carcinoma...I was standing in the Walmart checkout line when I got her call. (She thinks I will never shop at Walmart again...I told her there is nowhere else to shop! I have no choice!)
September 28 - Meet with surgeon again to review biopsies in detail. Plan tests. Learn that this cancer is not visible in a mammogram. Must have an MRI, since it 'hides' in dense breast tissue  (sneaky little thing!).
October 4 - Bone scan, CAT scan, MRI done.  Found nothing anywhere else in my body - YAY!  However, MRI seems to indicate another spot on my right breast and 2 on my left.


After talking through things with my surgeon, reading up on this particular type of cancer and talking with several others who have had the same type of cancer, the recommendation is to proceed with a double mastectomy. Though this is not an aggressive cancer, it is very difficult to track, usually does end up in both breasts and usually recurs. I am meeting a plastic surgeon tomorrow, (Monday, October 17) and seeking a second opinion with an oncologist - that will hopefully happen this week.  We would not know about any further treatment until after surgery.


How am I doing?  That is the question of the day!  I am doing pretty well. I'd be lying if I said I was fine, this is a cake-walk.  However, this is putting 'feet to my faith', so to speak.  The doctor told me, "This is simply a blip on your lifescreen.  You'll be fine. "  While I do believe that, my first reaction was, "Excuse me, but this is MY lifescreen and IT'S A PRETTY BIG BLIP!!" Daily, I am having to trust, wait for answers, seek answers and live in a state of not knowing.  I can't begin to tell you all how much your cards, notes, calls, etc have meant to me already and I am saving every one of them. If I seem a little detached, that means I probably am. If I forget to say a thank you, please forgive...To some degree, I am trying to live life normally until I know more. ..I actually am being very productive, keeping busy, almost 'nesting' all over again. I appreciate all the inquiries, yet find crowds very tiring - this from someone who is not known for being shy!


Please don't take offense at my distance at times. I am just processing a lot. For the most part, I really am okay with what is ahead. It is not my nature to question the Lord about "Why?", nor am I angry. Just trying to do the next right thing. I have no idea how I will handle the surgery and what comes after. But, I know I have a loving family who has been incredible. And friends already vying for a spot to bring dinner! Such a blessing...and I have a God Who is bigger than all of this put together.


Things I am already thankful for:

• My small group ladies - who showed up at my house, with CHOCOLATE, within 3 hours of my diagnosis to pray and encourage.  And they knew just when to leave.
• Meals already brought on particularly long days.
• Many cards and notes, some from unexpected folks - such pleasant surprises and such a blessing
• SO MANY HUGS!
• A sister who is loving, knowledgeable, available and fun to be with!
• A husband who is supportive, attentive and makes me laugh
• A husband who also likes to Christmas shop!  :)
• Daughters who take care of so much of me - little things like candles lit, dishes done, cards left, hugs and kisses
• A son who loves, prays and cares from a distance - and wears pink tape for football.
• Parents who pray, love and are available.
• Co-workers who are also friends and prayer warriors
• Field hockey teams that wear pink in my honor....thank you, Rachel Larson and Kristen.
• Old friends, reconnected
• New friends, new, unexpected connections
• A new appreciation for PINK!
• Women willing to share their stories and situations to offer wisdom and guidance from their personal experience - I have found a whole new group of sisters and they are priceless.
• Paoli Hospital's staff - kind, considerate, gracious - they have been trained well to handle situations like this
• The surgeon I have met with so far. Laid back, but far from disinterested. Thorough, reasonable, balanced, direct, personal enough. I like her more every time we chat.

So that is enough for now. I promise most entries won't be this long. Your reading of this is greatly appreciated, and even more so are your prayers - for me, my family and my folks.  I believe my Mom is having a harder time in some ways than I am with all this, and I am saddened that I can't be more available to them right now. And it is very strange to say 'I' so much! As I told my small group ladies the first night they came over, one of the things that bothers me?  I don't like being interrupted!  I like doing what I do! There may be a lesson in there somewhere...hmmmm.