Sorry so quiet the last few days...

For those of you who are faithful readers, sorry I have been so quiet. The weekend was a rough one, but not as bad as it could have been. Just wasn't up to doing anything...thankful that it is over and we are starting 'upswing' week! Thank you so much for your consistent notes of encouragement, and ever-faithful prayers. When I know what many others are dealing with on a regular basis that is so much harsher than my situation, it reminds me of how very much I have for which to be thankful even in the midst of this circumstance

I am spending the day puttering and having yet another doctor's appt...just checking in with my primary doc and then seeing a Lymphedema specialist on Thursday. I am not having any swelling at this point, but my surgeon wants to have me evaluated to stay on top of things. Another reason I am thankful for her. She doesn't wait til there's a problem. And never a week without at least one appointment somewhere!

It always feels good to do more normal things this week.  Not high energy, but cleaning the desk and going through paperwork, clipping coupons that I will probably never use before they expire (Teresa, I need a lesson!), catching up on laundry...things I so often took for granted before this. Now I am relishing the little challenges they present. I do what I can do, and then I rest.

Church still proves to be a challenge. Crowds are overwhelming. But, I am so thankful our church puts Steve's (and other speakers') messages online. I listened to one from 1/15 on Sunday morning and sat here and wept. If you get a chance and are interested, please listen...anyone can. www.cefcelverson.org  On the right hand side of the homepage, there is a listing of recent sermons. It's called 'Christ's easy Yoke'...check out the date I mentioned. I feel for Steve since he had a cold and you can hear it in his voice. You can also hear the passion he has for the Gospel and sharing it with others, and how much he longs for us to understand how gracious and good our God is, and how greatly He loves us. Also, how we can handle situations like I am in and be alright...because we know we are ULTIMATELY alright with HIM...just such a wonderful reminder and a challenge to those of you who may not know our Lord personally. Please seek Him.

Psalm 105:4

Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.

Luke 19:11

"For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost."

Thankful thoughts:

• Sunshine and warmth today! So good for the soul...
• Turkey and pickle sandwiches...I sound pregnant, don't I?!
• Cards and notes...such a blessing.
• Cleaning the desk. Simple pleasures.
• A thoroughly shaved head! No more stubble...thank you Brenda Shirk!  :)

Enjoy the sun and warmth while it lasts. Sure doesn't feel like the end of January!

Andi

 

Rollercoasters have never been a favorite...

Buddy and I are a good team in many ways. Even when the kids were little and we would be doing the amusement park thing, we balanced each other well...I didn't mind 'spinny' rides and he enjoyed rollercoasters. So, we tag-teamed with kids and rides. The only time I thoroughly enjoyed a rollercoaster was in Florida (MGM Studio park at the time) and they had the 'Rock-'n-Rollercoaster' where you were escorted into a 'limo', it was dark, the whole ride was dark and you listened to Aerosmith's music while being rocketed through a maze of neon signs and stuff. That one was fun, and I had to go since Buddy didn't feel well. I don't like heights AT ALL, so regular rollercoasters hold no appeal, but since this was dark (I couldn't see how high we were!), fast and loud, it was fun ~ went on it several times in a row, as a matter of fact! (Yes, I admit to liking some of Aerosmith's music!)

 

I'm on a different kind of rollercoaster right now, and don't like it any better. Ups and downs on a daily basis of various sorts, but thankful that the Lord is leading me through it. Can't always see where I'm going, don't like all the effects, etc...but it certainly is quite a ride. I sometimes think that it's good not to always see everything ahead of you. If we saw, if He revealed things too soon, would we be reluctant to trust Him if it was something we wouldn't want? There would be so much more room for questions, negotiations, etc. If I had seen how high we actually were in that rollercoaster, I would have NEVER gotten on and would have missed a really fun time with our kids. Same goes now...if I had seen cancer on the horizon, if I had imagined that this would have been part of my life as it is right now, what would I have done? Don't know that I could have avoided it, but there would certainly have been a great deal of anxiety before I even knew what was up. I think it is wiser to hold onto His hand and trust He knows what He is doing, and learn as I go. By all means, not to go blindly into it, and stumble along. Holding the Savior's hand is the safest place to be and He holds us up. And though I am not always thrilled with the ride, I am so thankful for what I am learning, the friendships that are deepening, the trust that is growing.

Thankful thoughts:

• Warmer day today and sunshine coming through!
• Pink roses and purple flowers
• Surprise visits at just the right time
• Not having to go anywhere today when I just can't
• Funny daughters who make me laugh every day...oh, and Bobby too! (Just not every day...he is 5 hours away after all!)
• Sugar-free jello
• Twin Valley coffee and Joy Pegler!  :)
• A husband who serves so well.

Psalm 139:1-6

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

Have a blessed day today.

This song was on my mind all night...

Just another quick thought for this morning...this song went through my mind off and on all night.

TURN YOUR EYES UPON JESUS

O soul, are you weary and troubled?

No light in the darkness you see?

There’s light for a look at the Savior,

And life more abundant and free!

CHORUS:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.


This chorus meant a lot to me last night...not a lot of sleep.

Have a blessed day.
Andi

Here we go again...

Day 2 post-treatment...not so great, but not unexpected. Yesterday was busier than I intended, but it was a fairly decent day for the most part. It usually is. Not much sleep all the way around, but I will catch up. The steroids are affecting me more this time but they will be out of my system soon, thank the Lord. Today, I can lay low and rest, I hope.

It was a pleasure to have Buddy and Kristen with me on Tuesday, and the room was pretty empty for most of my treatment, so I was even able to play some of my praise music from my computer without disturbing anyone. And, the nurse that took care of my port and starting the IV did a much better job this time along with numbing cream...so thankful for that!

A line from yesterday's "Jesus Calling". I didn't read it til last night and wished I had read it earlier...

"Enjoy the tempo of a God-breathed life by letting Me set the pace. Hold My hand in childlike trust, and the way before you will open up step by step."

Psalm 73:23-24

Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.

Thankful thoughts:

• Flowers brought by 2 special ladies! Thank you!
• The blessing of my 'Hearts and Hands' ladies filling in so graciously for each other.
• For the most part, a pretty patient puppy when I am laid up.
• One of the sweetest things my daughter has ever said to me...
• A warm fire on Sunday
• Soft hats for my cold head
• Life going on around me so smoothly - or at least it seems that way!

Well, that's it for this morning. I pray you have a blessed day. My next few will be quiet. Love you all dearly.
Andi

1 more, just one more...

It sounds easy, just one more, but I can hardly wait to be home tomorrow. Sure, there are 4 more of a different drug after this...then, radiation...but I'm not going there yet. One thing at a time. And this one thing is the last of a fairly harsh series of treatments. I know pretty much what the next 2 weeks will look like, good and bad. And then, we wait and see what the next round brings...

This whole journey has been a waiting game, and that is probably the biggest lesson I have learned. Waiting on the Lord, waiting to sleep, waiting for answers, waiting for a procedure, waiting to see how my body reacts to chemo...still many unknowns along the way as we move forward. And I know it can't compare to what many deal with.  But, yet again, I take great comfort in knowing a God Who is not surprised by ANY of this. He knew, He allowed it, and He is loving me and walking me through it - not because He is some big nasty who likes to punish or tease us. But, because we live in a fallen world, and He knows it. He redeems even difficult circumstances like this to be full of encouragement, growth, new and strengthened relationships, so many things.  Things I may have missed if I wasn't in the midst of this right now.

So, while I am weary right now, I won't be someday - here or heavenbound, I will not ALWAYS be in this situation. And I pray that I won't forget what I am learning on the way. I want these lessons to make me more like my Savior...how that is going to happen remains to be seen! More patient? I could use that. More compassionate, understanding, wise, and the list goes on. We all have growing to do, don't we?

Thankful thoughts:

• My birdfeeder - happily installed where I can see it (as long as I have glasses on) from bedroom or kitchen. Simple pleasures.
• My sister - bringing dinner on Sunday night, staying to enjoy it with us and folding laundry for me.
• My new bathrobe...long and gray. Buddy tells me I look like I belong in the Matrix movie!
• 5 days free of anti-nausea meds! Very nice
• The beauty of the snow with no icy layer...at least not here!
• My daughters - always a blessing
• Good conversation with Bobby tonight just catching up.
• Hearing the laughter of kids - from the quiet of my room!

Hope you are all safe and warm tonight. Thanks, as always for reading this. I'm a bit cross-eyed tonight, so not sure it made sense!

This thought...

Psalm 40:11 - "Lord, don't hold back your tender mercies from me. My only hope is in your unfailing love and faithfulness."

Psalm 103 reminds us that He forgives ALL our sins, heals my diseases, ransoms me from death and destruction, surrounds me with loving-kindness and compassion, satisfies my desires so I am renewed**...so many wonderful promises...of COURSE I can handle tomorrow! I'm not doing it alone.

(** This thought taken from "Grace For Each Hour" by Mary Nelson)

Ups and downs...

Yesterday was a great day, my most normal in quite a while. I felt pretty good for most of it and took full advantage! Cleaned the whole upstairs...the only place we still had Christmas decorations! I even baked some cookies...

Of course, I was wiped out by about 4 pm, and thankful I could rest for the evening. But, it felt good to do something else more normal AND for my girls. Today, I was definitely slower paced, but still productive in some things. I know I don't HAVE to be, but knowing I won't be much next week, it feels good to unburden my family from some little things for at least a time.

One of the things I have appreciated about this difficult time is how many people are making the extra effort to visit.  I don't do well in crowds right now, and appreciate one-on-one.  And people are very kind about making sure it's a good time for me. So, to those of you from nearby or those that have traveled, thank you for our chats. It's good medicine!

Thankful thoughts:

• My new birdfeeder...treated myself at Walmart and it is all set up and filled, so I can see it from my chair. I love birdfeeders and love watching them in the snow.
• Snow!  Getting some tomorrow!  I'm not a huge fan, but its beauty is not lost on me. AND I don't have to go anywhere, so that's nice
• Soup...have a new recipe to try tomorrow. I love making soup on a cold day.
• That I feel well enough to make soup!
• Talking to my Mom on the phone every day.
• Stretching - it feels so good.
• Hamburgers right off the grill - yep, the grill. Tasted like summer.
• Such good cooks that have taken such wonderful care of our family. And even when we least expect it...
• A phone call from a particularly favorite son of mine yesterday...just because.
• The white lights we have left up...they do make it cheerful on gray days.

Job 37:6,7

"He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down. Then everyone stops working so they can watch his power."

I John 5:21

Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.

This verse reminds me of all the distractions we have that can turn our attention away from knowing Him better. May we all find some peace and quiet this weekend to pursue Him. He longs for us to know Him better!

Have a blessed night's sleep. I hope to wake up to daylight (not middle of the night!) and see birds dancing around my feeder in the falling snow.

2 decent days in a row does wonders!

I love 'upswing' week. There is a sense of reality that this will be over and I will feel strong again. I love it. Still very tired and some side effects that never go away. But, definitely more energy and better sleep. It makes next week a bit more bearable, knowing it will be the last of this nastier combo. Yay! 

 

Tuesday, surprised my Dad at the mall for lunch (Mom knew!). Buddy joined us. Then, Kristen and I did some shopping and I got a new hat/scarf...orange plaid! I was beat but it was nice to be out. Yesterday, went up to church for a bit, to Walmart, then home. Kristen and I ran another errand or 2 later, and I've been sitting ever since...so, I am thankful for some normalcy in the midst of a crazy time. And for whatever comes tomorrow. Believe me, I am slow-paced and tired, but not as immovable for a few days.

I am finding a very sweet peace at night, since I do wake up so often. And I am praying...more than I have in a long time and it is a precious time.

II Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

It can be so hard in the midst of whatever we are dealing with to have an eternal perspective - especially if physical pain is a part of it. It weighs us down and we just don't have a vision of what is ahead...here in the every day or what He has prepared for us eternally. But, He wants us to trust. I so often think about what true suffering we do deserve due to our sin and denial of Him. And yet, He is wooing us back, wants us back and is preparing a place where we will understand, see His perspective and enjoy Him forever! Recognizing that is half the battle. Knowing Him personally and trusting in Jesus' saving work on the cross is the only way to navigate the sorrows of this world. We think we are suffering? We don't know the meaning of the word, compared to the suffering He endured on our behalf on the cross AND the suffering we truly deserve. Thankfully, He is a MASTER of mercy and grace.

Thankful thoughts:

• Another beautiful sky at night and sunrise an hour later...one advantage of being up early!
• Accomplishing things yesterday...let's see what today brings!
• Pink tulips - now open and lovely.
• Faith - it is a gift. Certainly not my natural bent.
• Shopping - never been much of one, but it was good medicine the other day with Kristen.
• Hope - another gift, and it does not disappoint. (see below)

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.

Starting to preach too much! Time to stop...have a wonderful, albeit COLD, day!

Andi