Number 18 today...feeling it!

I can certainly say that, for the most part, what docs have told me has been pretty consistent...when I feel sick, or better, or needing time, or feeling fatigue, etc. They know what they are talking about, even though there are so many variables for each person. I have treatment #18 this morning, week 4. Even though it seems forever day to day, it is going very quickly in the whole scheme of things. So much easier in many ways than chemo was, but not without its issues. Time-consuming, fatiguing (but not til this week, really), and some minor skin issues starting. Again, they are taking good care of me and all the techs/nurses and Dr. Curry are delightful. I have been able to share in the 'ringing of the bell' with several ladies before or after my appointment, signifying the end of their treatments and that is such a simple pleasure! June 11th, I will be doing the same!


As you can tell by my lack of entries, I am getting busier as well as often too weary to write when I do have the time. And I sometimes feel as though I say the same things over and over, so I just don't always want to bore you! The Lord is reinforcing many lessons learned - primarily those about pacing myself, choosing priorities, and being comfortable with where I am right now. Trusting in His timing in restoring my energy and abilities, along with my physical healing. Still have so much to learn!


Songs I have been enjoying on my travels...

Every Time I Breathe (by Big Daddy Weave)

I am sure all of heaven's heard me cry 
As I tell You all the reasons why 
This life is just too hard 
But day by day, without fail 
I'm finding everything I need 
And everything that You are to me 

Chorus: 
Every time I breathe You seem a little bit closer 
I never want to leave, I want to stay in Your warm embrace 
Oh basking in the glory shining from Your face 
And every time I get another glimpse of Your heart 
I realize it's true that You are so marvelous God 
And I am so in love with You 

Now how could I after knowing One so great 
Respond to You in any way that's less than all I have to give 
But by Your grace I want to love You not with what I say 
But everyday in a way that my life is lived 

Depth of Mercy (by Selah)

Depth of mercy, can there be mercy still reserved for me?
Can my God His wrath forbear? Me, the chief of sinners, spare?

Heaven find me on my knees
Hear my soul’s impassioned plea
Depth of mercy can there be
Mercy still reserved for me


There are others, but I'll save them for another day!


Thankful thoughts:

• The beauty of spring flowers! Planting flowers, seeing the riot of color as blooming is at its height...just LOVE it!
• Opening our pool...yay!
• Email - I can still keep in touch with Kristen while she is away! (China - huge trip!)
• Ceiling fans - hot flashes are intense these days...don't know where I would be without it!
• Days of energy - they are very encouraging!

I leave you with this verse.
I Peter 5:6-7:  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.


He is so capable and willing. Love to you all.
Andi

One of the few times I enjoy shopping...

I am not your typical mall-chick. Never have been, never will be. There's nothing wrong with being one. I'm just not! However, I do enjoy shopping with my girls. Yesterday, after radiation, Kristen and I hit the outlets for some shopping therapy for her upcoming trip to China, had lunch with Buddy and got home in time to get some much-needed rest and work done. All in all, one of the very few times I thorougly enjoy shopping - that and Christmas!


Even though treatments are only about 7-8 minutes long, I keep my eyes closed and sing to myself...no shock there, if you know me well!  The following song has been running through my mind. Specifically, Selah's version of it...they have a great, upbeat medley of this with 'Leaning on the Everlasting Arms' and 'Washed in the Blood', for those of you who know old hymns.


Standing on the promises

1. Standing on the promises of Christ my King,
   Through eternal ages let His praises ring,
   Glory in the highest, I will shout and sing,
   Standing on the promises of God.
   • Refrain:
     Standing, standing,
     Standing on the promises of God my Savior;
     Standing, standing,
     I’m standing on the promises of God.
2. Standing on the promises that cannot fail,
   When the howling storms of doubt and fear assail,
   By the living Word of God I shall prevail,
   Standing on the promises of God.
3. Standing on the promises I cannot fall,
   List’ning every moment to the Spirit’s call,
   Resting in my Savior as my all in all,
   Standing on the promises of God.

When driving there by myself, I sing this at the top of my lungs along with several others. I think through some of His promises to me...

• He will never leave me. (Hebrews 13:5)
• I cannot be separated from His love (Romans 8:35)
• I am welcome in His presence (Ephesians 3:12)
• I do not need to stay in darkness (John 12:46)
• He is a great source of comfort. (John 16:33, Matthew 11:28)
• I am His child (John 1:12, Isaiah 43:1)
• He is faithful and loves me (Isaiah 54:10)
• He provides guidance when I don't know where to go. (Isaiah 42:16)

That last one means a great deal - 

Isaiah 42:16 

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

So many times I'm waiting, unsure of next steps...so thankful for His promises.

Thankful thoughts:

• Seeing Kristen's face light up when she finds something she likes...
• Agreeing with her!
• A successful shopping trip!
• An afternoon at home and unexpected naps
• A husband who is happy with leftovers or cereal for dinner
• Surprise lunches with him!
• Fitting several pieces into the puzzle in the waiting room - got 5 yesterday!
• First sip of coffee in the morning...never get tired of it!
• A sister who is so generous with her time and knowledge - caring for Dad (and Mom) through this stage of their lives. We are all helping...but her knowledge is invaluable, along with her compassion. 

Have a wonderful day!

Andi

Week 2 underway...

My irises are beginning to bloom and the peonies are JUST about to pop. I love it! Just a beautiful time of year. I have purple/white, yellow, yellow/purple and blue irises and they are lovely. I will try to have some pictures up soon of these beauties. We, or more correctly, my family spent a good part of Friday night and Saturday planting more plants and mulching our gardens. Yucky smell, but beautiful outcome! I am thankful for the hard work they all put in, including one of Kristen's friends even when Kristen was working! What a blessing!

Radiation is going okay. I am having quite a bit of swelling on that side with some redness on my scar. While they said it is a normal reaction, it is early to have one at all. So they are watching it and checking every day. I still have some of my side effects but they are diminishing little by little, thankfully!

I'm not always sure what to say to folks when they ask how I am. Realistically, I won't be GREAT til this is done and over with, stuff is out of my system, and I am beyond the fatigue. That will be months. And I don't want to explain that to everyone all the time. But, when I step back and  consider my situation, I am better in a lot of ways because the Lord sustains me when I can't see my way through a dark moment, encourages me when I am tired, and reminds me that I am valuable to Him simply because He loves me. That is something I don't understand! This has been a high-maintenance time of life and I have learned so much...patience in waiting, priorities, etc. But, mostly, I have learned the value of time with the Lord, and that I am truly better than I deserve.

From Jesus Calling, May 2:

Living in dependence on Me is the way to enjoy abundant life. You are learning to appreciate tough times, because they amplify your awareness of My Presence. 

I am definitely more aware of His presence in everything...and I am thankful.

Thankful thoughts:

• The beautiful ride down to Paoli - Rt. 401 holds many lovely sights...flowers, trees, homes, even a longhorn farm with the cutest little baby steer!
• My lovely techs that serve me every day. And the nurse I am quickly growing to like so much. 
• The wisdom and gentleness of Dr. Curry.
• Funny movies that make an audience laugh out loud!  (We saw the "Avengers" this past weekend)
• Marge, one of the other patients who has been an encouragement to me. Wednesday is her last day! She gets to 'ring the bell'.
• The beautiful puzzle that is being worked on in the waiting room. But, they are so quick, I have only gotten to fit in one piece!

Proverbs 16:16

How much better to get wisdom than gold, to get insight rather than silver!

Love you all!
Andi

3 down...27 to go...

Well, the radiation has begun...Kristen is 'convinced' that I will come out of the next 6 weeks with super powers! So far, it is no big deal but just weird. Literally, it takes 10 minutes. I get a little nauseous afterward and have very little appetite. Others have said the same thing, though the techs say I shouldn't be nauseous with where they are treating. So, we will see. Maybe I am more anxious than I realize! I usually lay there and recite song lyrics or verses for those few minutes. One of the songs going through my mind is one by Selah, called "All of Me". The lyrics are below...the first verse is not as applicable, but the whole song is precious and runs through my mind a great deal.

All of Me by Selah

Holy father, love me still

I have fallen from your will

I am broken, Hear my humble cry, My cry

Take my life and make it yours, Lord 

Fill me with your love 

You are all I need 

I surrender all of me

I have wandered for so long

Tired and weary on my own

In your arms I know I’m home, O God, My God

Take my life and make it yours, Lord 

Fill me with your love 

You are all I need 

I surrender, I surrender, I surrender all of me

Seems appropriate as I lay there, very vulnerable, and at the mercy of this machine rotating around me. Such comfort in knowing Whose hands truly hold me and where I rest. 


Thankful thoughts:

• ALMOST blooming flowers...iris, lilac, peonies - can't wait. They hold such promise!
• New friends at radiation - the lady before me, and the lady after me. Lovely ladies.
• My friend, Joy...that is what she brings me! JOY!
• The gift of prayer - what a great week of prayer in our church. Special meetings, special people, wonderful promises.
• Funny commercials - I know, weird but some make me laugh...La Quinta commercials, and others..

Have a blessed, albeit rainy day!
Andi

Next leg of the journey...

Life is certainly busier, and I apologize that I have not had the energy to keep up with everyone. I am thankful to be gaining more energy, yet still battling some side effects. When anyone asks me how I am feeling, I respond by saying, "Every day further away from chemo is a good day!" I am waiting, as usual, to see if any of the side effects remain permanent. I know the hair will come, but secretly wonder if I will that rare case where hair loss is permanent! I still have neuropathy in my feet, though it continues to dwindle. Some days better than others. I have also developed something called costochondritis, an inflammation of the cartilage in my ribcage, due to the tissue expanders that are there for reconstructive surgery (sometime in the fall). It is very uncomfortable, and makes it tough to lift, cough, drive, sneeze, etc. Hopefully, it will be minimized in a few days. It will be a long summer if it doesn't fade! 


Radiation starts tomorrow, and I will be even more familiar with Rt. 401 to Paoli! 5 days a week for 6 weeks, 10 am - that will find me having my treatment for about  15 minutes. Buddy is going with me for the first day, and we will see after that. 


Our co-op play was this past weekend and it was WONDERFUL!  So thankful for all involved, and so proud of the kids who did such a great job bringing the play to life. I couldn't be involved as I usually am, so I had the pleasure of watching more of the performances than usual, but I missed being as involved. So many made it possible for me to have a break. Autumn Jackins was costume lady this year, for her senior year, and hair lady too! And the lead character! Amazing young lady...so many amazing kids and adults. Such an honor to be a part of that group year after year. The Lord truly honors the hard work put in every year. We were the home of choice for doing makeup and hair (since we homeschool, we don't have access to the school whose stage we use until 4 pm...too late to start!). So, while I was at Paoli for 3 different appointments on Friday, all the kids were in and out of my house!  It's a good thing they're such great kids!

From Jesus Calling, 4/25

...The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on Me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence, and your steps will be steady and sure.

In light of my current instability with the neuropathy, this particular entry hit close to home! I know this is talking about spiritual stability, but I often need to re-focus my heart as well as my feet when I am having a bad day. So thankful for this reminder of His constancy. It has been so good to be done with chemo, but am often reminded of the still-long-road ahead. Keeping things in perspective, I know that I have much for which to be thankful...

Hebrews 12:1-3 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Psalm 102:27

But you remain the same,   and your years will never end. 

Thankful thoughts:

• The promise of the coming blooms - iris, lilac, peonies - just SO close!
• The hugs received are so sweet - they often bring tears to my eyes. I am so thankful for the wealth of friends the Lord has provided
• My husband - so patient and helpful
• Kristen - got her license!   :)
• A Lord Who understands, when no one else does. I truly know He is near me every step of the way.

Thank you for your continued prayers. And for asking about my blog...I will try to keep up! Love you all dearly.
Andi

Feeling the weight of the journey...

It's been awhile, I know, and I am sorry.  I have been slowly getting back into life, and find that post-chemo is better than being in the middle of it, but not without its issues either!  Side effects are definitely slowing down, but I still have some neuropathy in my hands and feet, with frequent 'shocks' down my arms and legs. The shocks aren't painful but distracting. My feet, however, hurt more than I expected and there is some swelling. I will be calling the doctor tomorrow about that since it is a more recent development. I guess what I mean by the title of this entry is that I am realizing that the journey is longer than I expected, and there is much more learning and waiting ahead. Radiation starts in a couple weeks, and after that, I begin a daily pill that I believe I will be on potentially for 5 years! It has its own set of side effects that I wasn't aware of but that your body adapts to. Plus the thought of genetic counseling that I think I mentioned before...just all longer than I expected.


It has felt good to be back to more normal things on most days, and overall, I am much better. Just want to hurry it along! But I can't. My surgeon was the first actual physician that told me it would be up to 6 months before I felt like myself...that is what I have heard from those that experience it, but not always what I have heard from my docs since it is so different for everyone. So...we will see what this body does!


Today's "Jesus Calling" was perfect, as it so often is:

Trust Me, and don't be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.

I needed to be reminded that I am safe and secure, certainly NOT because of my circumstances, but because HE who saved me is so much bigger than anything I deal with.

Isaiah 12:2

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense, he has become my salvation.”

Psalm 61:2-4

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.

Thankful thoughts:

• Flowers from distant friends to celebrate my end of chemo.  They are beautiful!
• Warm weather - quite a treat!
• A very devoted puppy...goes wherever I go and sits at my feet whenever I let her. A good little protector.
• Wonderful high school kids in our co-op...some were here on Friday and just fun to have around. Have always loved high school kids...
• Diet White Tea Peach...goes down easy and so refreshing! I love water, but it's nice to have something different once in a while!

Have a blessed week. I have 2 doctor appts this week, Wednesday and Friday. NOTHING next week!  Yay!


Andi

Starting day 6...

I am now on day 6 after my last treatment and you may wonder why I count by days. The side effects are pretty predictable...showing up on certain days, and this round has been no different. The Friday (day after) right after treatment wasn't too bad, and I enjoyed a wonderful (and always too short) visit with one of my dearest friends. She hitched a ride from up north with another friend coming down to visit her mom. So, I got to visit briefly with that friend for a bit as well! Hope that wasn't too convoluted!  Either way, it was a good day and I am thankful that I felt decent. Each day thereafter is a steady spiral down until day 5 or 6...so today should be the start of recovery - each day a little less pain, a little stronger! We had a great visit this weekend with Bobby and his girlfriend. Since she couldn't be here for Easter, they came this past weekend and then he comes home tonight! The weekend was a bit too busy for me but worth it. By Sunday evening, I eagerly sought out my chair and heating pad!


I made it to church on Sunday, but it still proves to be a lot for me to handle, both physically and emotionally. But, so good to be there at the same time. Such a refreshment. I did have a friend ask me to write down what it has meant to me to have the Lord walking this journey with me. Of course, I said yes and started to get teary-eyed. It's hard to put into words, but I will try. 


So, onward I go. Radiation oncologist appointment on Thursday to learn about that piece. Some have said to be on guard for feelings of fear, now that I am not getting chemo...is the cancer really gone?  I guess, since you're not as actively doing something, many feel fear at the end of treatment. I feel nothing but relief right now. I continue to trust the Lord's guidance along with the wisdom the doctors have shown. I can't say I have had a lot of fear through out this as much as just needing patience and endurance to get through the race. It has certainly been an interesting one.


This is one of my favorite weeks of the year. And my favorite service is this Friday. Good Friday service at our church is always very intentional, sobering and precious. Not depressing, but very thought-provoking. Just a very moving reminder of what the Lord did for us, humbling himself, and it puts my own suffering into perspective. What I am dealing with, in any arena of life, cannot compare to all he took on the cross. That is why he can so well understand what our pains are like. Easter is what it is all about!

^{I Corinthians 15:55-57}

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?” The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Thankful thoughts:

• The moonlight at night. It is so beautiful and right over my chair.
• Kristen and her willing heart, so patiently helping and driving me around when I can't
• The meals we've received...didn't think we would still need them as much as we do and it is such a gift.
• Cool air at night through an open window and my ceiling fan...these hot flashes are ridiculous!
• The hope of hair growing in soon...still very shiny!
• The gift of salvation through Jesus' work on the cross. So desperately needed.

Have a wonderful day. I'm glad Spring slowed down a bit! I wasn't ready for summer weather so soon.
Andi